Fluid motion, riding the waves, and comfort. I celebrate chaos, but not the kind that causes stress.
I do what is important to me. Parts of me still worry, and I still get very nervous about it– what if I’m offending someone I love because what is important to them is not important to me? That has been the hardest fear to let go. I don’t want to hurt my friends or have them feel that I’m not respecting their needs in our connection.
I have learned to be accepting of things that are already my habits. Things that I know that I do, and that I now accept … things that I have been trying to change for a long time. It isn’t that I give up and I’m not going to take the effort for improvement anymore… it’s that I am starting to see that some things are already better the way that I naturally do them.
Recognizing the way that I work with the world– my relationship with time, space, and how I seek balance– that’s how I have gotten to acceptance.
Finding happiness mattered for so long. I was depressed, so why wouldn’t it? I won’t go into my complaints about our culture’s obsession with happiness, but I did want to document this somewhere: It doesn’t matter if I am happy. I do not need to infuse all my actions, thoughts, and ideas with the goal to find happiness. I’m not going to find happiness; happiness is not a thing that I can find.
Happiness is a moment. Some moments I will have happiness, others I will not. My life will be balanced among many emotions and often none at all.
I accept my relationship with time, space, and balance. I accept that there are some ways that I must do things, even if they go against what others (even “experts”) suggest because I recognize that forcing other habits is futile.
The first thing I had to do to get here was let go of the idealism I once held about the kind of person I could be, and to let go of the idealism I once held about the kind of person I was. Suddenly, I felt at peace with the past and the future, and suddenly I was able to stop, listen, and enjoy.